Tales from the Techside

Sometimes a little humor is good, so if you will forgive my quixotic mood… this is a pun, intended to hopefully brighten your holidays in this difficult market period.

Recently a practitioner asked me “How can I always be closing.”

Being a literal person, I took his question at its face and set about trying to find a solution. I have some suggestions for practitioners to increase their transaction rates, but to ALWAYS be closing a transaction is a daunting task.

Quantum physics may offer us a solution, however.

First, you need a mild source of radioactivity. Scraping the tritium off of antique watches will serve nicely. Next, we will need a special ‘closing room.’ This is just a normal square room except that the walls are plywood, and two of the walls are constructed into a small Nomex honeycomb <.125″ design. One honeycomb side is covered with a real estate transaction contract made from onion skin paper, and the other is left open. A strong light is positioned outside the open celled honeycomb wall and is directed into the room. On the lens of this lightsource we smear the tritium shavings in a glue substrate.

Inside the room we place the sensor from a Geiger counter. The counter is connected to a fast relay which, when closed by an alpha particle from the scrapings, lights the light. Finally, we will need a witness to observe the transaction. We will call the observer Fluffy, for historical reasons.

Now, we turn on the geiger counter and the quantum REALTOR® and client can enter the room. The light is switched the first time with a switch which is in parallel with the relay. Instantly you can see the shadow of the signed transaction on the contract. Then, as the quantum REALTOR® and client negotiate, the light and rush of alpha particles turn the light on and off, strobe like, and you can see that sometimes the contract is signed, sometimes it is not, sometimes it is partially signed. It’s quantum uncertainty can be measured. It proves that there are at least two states for every contract simultaneously, signed and not signed. For every unsigned contract exists a signed version in alternating universes. To always be closing then is simply a matter of negotiating while measuring the uncertainty of the momentum of the transaction and the uncertainty of its position.

No REALTORS® or consumers were harmed in the making of this pun. If you found this interesting, but aren’t sure you get the references, google “Quantum physics and fluffy the cat.”

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